In high school I had to take a foreign language course. I took Spanish. - I figure that if Puerto Ricans can speak it's gotta be easy.
It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket.
I went into Cajun country the other day and was told about the loneliest bayou. - It's called Bayou Self.
Definition: EUROPE - What the umpire calls when its your turn at bat.
Definition: CONSULTANT - Someone who gets $100 an hour to tell you the same thing your assistant told you last week.
Definition: Cauterize - Got her attention
My brothers the meanest acrobat in the circus - he's always got a chap on his shoulder.
Last week I flew on an airline so small you had to have exact change to board the plane.
I had an Identity crisis and an energy crisis. So I was too tired to find out.
If you shouldn't drink and drive-why do you need a drivers license to buy alcohol.
You're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and all of a sudden you turn on the lights-would that speed you up or slow you down.
I was watching the Dating Game Show on TV the other day and this girl asked Bachelor #3 that if she were a popsicle what would he do? First I'd unwrap you. (pause) then I'd lay you on the counter. (pause) then I'd break you in half and put half in the freezer for later.
I went to the doctor the other day for a personal problem. It's fallen and I can't get it up. (while looking down) He gave me some pills. They got stuck in my throat and I got a stiff neck.
I was in New York during the winter and it was so cold. How cold was it you ask? It was so cold that it was fun watching the smokers pass out because they couldn't figure out when they were through exhaling.
I had to stop drinking and driving. One time I was so drunk that when the cop pulled me over I thought that I had made it to another club and started dancing to the flashing lights.
I was so poor when we were growing up that my mother cut holes in my pockets so that I would have something to play with.
My dog's birthday was yesterday. I went and bought him a birthday present. The weird part is shopping for him 7 times a year.
Did you hear about the midget who walked into the barroom and kissed everyone in the joint.
Did you know that the word engagement has gag in the middle.
I lent $4,000 to a friend of mine to have plastic surgery. Now, I don't know what he looks like to collect.
The Birds & the Bees-the bees make honey and the birds poop on your car.
If I write a book called, How to Fail. and it doesn't sell does that mean that I'm a success.
Celibacy should be heredity.
It doesn't matter what the temperature of a room is it will always be room temperature.
If you shoot a mime do you use a silencer.
If you didn't know me-would you think I was a stranger.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why do ballerina's tiptoe? Why don't they just hire taller women.
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how deep the ocean would be if there was no sponges.
I went to the tourist information center and asked them to tell me about some people who were there last year.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I got an answering machine on my car phone. Message says, Hi, I'm home now, I'll call you when I leave the house.
What a nice night for an evening.
I took a lie detector test-no I didn't.
It's a good thing there's gravity or else when birds die, they'd just stay up there. Hunters would really be confused.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
On this day in 1921 a John Lamanche invented the lie detector. Trouble was no one believed him. (if no laughs) Looks like I need the lie detector because that was supposed to be a joke.
I have a friend that named their boy after their favorite drink Remy. Good thing they don't drink Beefeater.
I saw an ad that showed this guy saying that he keeps Preparation H at his side. I hate to tell him but he ain't using it right.
You can always spot the single men on the dance floor. They are the ones doing all of the hip thrusts and pelvic movements. (pretend to dance) What are you doing later?
I was filling out a job application the other day and there was this one question that really floored me. In case of an accident who do they want me to notify. How about a doctor.
Did you hear that they are putting pictures of missing gay men on the back of vaseline jars. It's a picture of the back of their head.
I went to school at 'Our Lady of Cellulite . . .
Did you hear about the new bank that opened up in the CBD. It's owned and run by women. It's closed a couple of days a month on the count of cramps.
You don't hear about whales beaching themselves anymore. Guess its all of the oil on the coasts-they just slide right back in.
You ever notice these women driving 75 miles an hour on the Interstate. Yea the ones with the Revlon dashboard.
Single people have it rough. Just the name says it all-SINGLE-Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday.
He went to jail for something he didn't do-he didn't run fast enough.
Women in their 30's are thinking about having kids. Men in their 30's are thinking about dating kids
The penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws.
Did you know that they took the word Gullible out of the dictionary?
Do you know how to look younger? Hang around old people.
A recent study found out that the first five minutes of life are very critical. - Yea, and the last five minutes aren't worth a shit either.
Tic Tac Toe or as people from Ohio say circles and signatures.
I went to a will reading the other day or as my lawyer called it the dead give away.
My uncle sold me this ring on his death bed. I'm not stupid I gave him a check.
. . . my dad said, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
The new Yugo's (or other car) have rear window defrosters so that when you push them you can keep your hands warm.
The trouble about dating women is that they are the only ones who know if you're gonna get lucky.
Did you hear that the governors limo and the driver was arrested for having a little dope in the back.
A recent study found that 50% of the marriages end in divorce while the other half end up in debt. Hey you could be one of the lucky ones.
I saw a bumper sticker that said, 'Guns don't kill. Everyone know its the bullets. The gun helps the bullets go faster though.
A recent study found that we spend 2 % of our lives waiting at traffic lights. I guess its kinda fitting that when we die that the funeral procession runs the red lights.
A recent study showed that scientists are the leading cause of cancer in rats.
My wife and I have been happy for 15 years-then we met. I needed a date for my wedding. We got married in a garage. She couldn't back out. We have one thing in common-the same wedding date. We've been married for . . .we've been married for . . . Wait! What did we get married for? All kidding aside I must be a good comic because everytime we get in bed all I can do is make her laugh. One time she gave up sex for Lent and I didn't find out till Easter.
Did you hear that the S&WB layed off half of their employees? It seems that someone actually invented a shovel that stands on it's own.
Graffiti spotted in a singles-bar men's room: IF YOU CAN'T GIVE UP SEX, GET MARRIED AND TAPER OFF.
A truck over turned that was carrying a truck load of Roget's Thesaurus books and the newspaper's report said that onlookers were stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.
My wife is out of town for the weekend. (spill drink on hand) Just getting my date drunk.
At least in my sex life there's some one else involved.
On my honeymoon my new bride asks me if I smoke after sex. I didn't think I was going that fast, but I'll check.
I was breast fed by my grandmother. That's explains why I buy milk past it's expiration date.
I'm so happy that I want to strip down and get naked, but I'm wearing my wife's underwear.
I like going to the men's room at the airport, put a quarter in the shoe buffer and get on my knees. Whoa !!
WOW! Remember that word because spelled backwards is still WOW. - And WOW upside down is MOM which is dad's favorite thing. I'm sorry that was an easy joke and so was MOM and that's why I'm here.
No complaints in the sex department at my house. My quick impression of my wife and I in bed with me, Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, Just Kidding.
I must go now, if I'm not in bed by 11 o'clock I go home.
Being a schizophrenic means never bing alone
Definition: JUGGLER: - A schitophrenic person playing catch
One thing they newer tell us -- How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Obsenity is whatever gives the judge an erection
Can I have another cup? I've filled this one up!
Viginity can be cured
If love is blind, Lingerie makes great braille
A hooker once told me she has a headache
Good girls go to Heaven, Bad girls get everything else.
Definition: MONOTONY: - Having only one spouse
I never thought much about magic until I found out my sister was getting a hundred dollars a trick!
My father was a magician and I was his first trick!
Its too bad there are not more more women magicians. Men love the type of woman who knows a few tricks
I should of know that something was up when my wife threw me a farewell party.
I should of known that something was wrong when my wife started introducing me as her first husband.
My parents used to move alot but I'd always find them
I'm so obnoxious that I piss myself off.
I'll never foget loosing my first tooth. I didn't realize my dad could hit that hard!
I must be getting old -- sex gives me motion sickness.
I have such an ego that during sex I shout my own name.
I hate the holidays. It means being nice to my relatives.
I really like children, In fact I'm on parole for it.
I used to like hunting but after Vietnam it took all of the thrill out of it.
I bought one of those camouflage shirts and put it in my closet. Now I can't find it.
My wife wanted me to get more culture - so I went out and bought some Yogurt.
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. - No artist ever interpeted nature as freely as a lawyer interpets the truth.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
'I'll never discuss my lawyers character in his absence, so lets discuss his absence of character!
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Famous Arab saying: A woman for sons, a boy for pleasure and a goat for sheer ecstasy.
